Lately I've been feeling sorry for myself. There, I said it. I know it's wrong - but I'm in a rut.
Monday, April 25th - my boss of 10 years was fired. My entire company is in SHOCK.
Tuesday, April 26th - my job of 10 years may or may not be there in about 2 weeks and I find out my friend's 7 year old son's cancer is back. WHY LORD!? We just got done celebrating NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE... Mercy... NO!
Wed, April 27th - I go to Urgent Care - I have bronchitis and a sinus infection - BUT my mom arrives tonight - thank you God! My boss tells me.. his sister's brain cancer is back. SO SAD!!!
Thursday, April 28th - Deathly sick
Friday, April 29th - My FIL Sam is having surgery but flat lines. They bring him back to and come out to tell us he has a whole in his heart. No hernia surgery because we have heart issues. Poor Sam!
Saturday, April 30th - sick as a dog but hey, overall the sun is shining - it's a good one!
Sunday, May 1st - take Tristan and Davis to play mini-golf and my mom falls and smashed her head on concrete. Spend the day scared to death at the ER. Thankfully... she's "ok" but needs to be watched for a brain bleed... no shortness of stress there!
Monday, May 2nd - It's my day off - we can shop! Yeaaaah! Wait... Tristan wakes up with a fever, can't go to school. Ruins his perfect attendance award - he is VERY upset. Pouring rain, still sick as a dog... lay on the couch... all... day. Head back to Urgent Care and now on round 2 for my sickness that won't quit!
Tuesday, May 3rd - back to work - sick, can't hear out of my right ear at all. My friend sends a message that her dad's cancer is back - in his lungs. TRYING to stay positive.
Wednesday/Thursday, May 4th & 5th - uneventful (thank God)
Friday, May 6th - issues with my neck start...
Saturday, May 7th - Woke up pretending I didn't notice the scale tell me I gained 3 pounds back. Dang Hell-uva-good dip!! Then my mom and I spent some time talking about my fears for Tristan's lack of friends in his (and my life) - just a very truthful, but painful reality that we have to start all over again. And soon. Applications for 2017-2018 take place in Sept/Oct. - right around the corner. And if I lose my job and can't afford it.. then what!?
Sunday, May 8th - Mother's Day at Fossil Rim was great.... the afternoon/evening was stressful (because of me being a brat and not being thankful) but we survived and made a nice dinner for my mom and Ruth Ann.
Monday, May 9th - still sick (now I'm sick of it and everything is amplified) and still having neck issues - now I'm nervous. This never lasts this long. I also make the difficult decision to tell my bosses I'm going to start looking for a new job, still no word. Eric is NOT happy with me.
Tuesday, May 10th - neck issues... lots of neck issues. Sports massage helps but can't move well. I get some good news that BBC is going to do their best to keep me here!! I have hope!
Wednesday, May 11th - Sam has heart surgery. If it doesn't go well, he'll need open heart surgery... so all day, we wait... and wait.. and wait. My dad is also having shots in his back/legs because he can't walk well - just flat out worried all day. Dad came out ok, Sam came out ok... THANKFUL.
Thursday, May 12th - I wake up and cannot move. I think I need to call 911. My neck cannot support the weight of my head. My mom and Holt have to help me get up and do anything. Terrible pain. I shower and go into work - because - well I'm on the chopping block - HAVE TO be there.
Friday, May 13th - can't move again. Get in with doc to get a little relief. Tristan gets another "yellow" at school for not obeying his teacher but it was too late to cancel his sleepover. I am furious at him and now he gets rewarded. Lovely. Chronic pain sucks.
Saturday, May 14th - Tristan's baseball game - Davis accidentally hits a boy in the eye with a rock. Scratches his cornea, some vision loss. I call the mom, no response.... sooo, I can't stop crying about it.
Sunday, May 15th - wake up, get ready for church - huge screw in my tire. Have to tell them I can't serve, no church, back home. Text with my chiro (because I still can't move my neck well) and she tells me I probably need an MRI (there goes another $1,000 I don't have). Then, I ended the day working on my mom's final wishes and obituary. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah (said no one ever) but it had to be done and I'm thankful we did it - just somber to even think of the day!
This is life. There are ups and downs and ebbs and flows... it just all feels BIG. I know being sick made everything heightened. I have been walking around in fear. Constantly sad and afraid waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Last night I caught Holt and Tristan reading together... it reminded me to celebrate the small moments that really ARE the big things!
Then Tristan gave me this note. Without me asking for it or saying a word
My heart grew 10 sizes.
But as I sit here, I wonder... how often do a make a small "thing" HUGE because of my attitude?
Probably a lot more often than I care to admit.
OUCH.
So many have tried to encourage me
"God's got this"
"God must have something really big for you if He's throwing all of this at you"
"The Lord is preparing you for more"
"Man, Satan is after you"
All I really needed was for someone to say
"That really stinks, there are no words. I'm so sorry and I love you."
My mom did that. My mom and a few friends were that for me and I'm thankful.
But, now it's time to pick myself up, stop with the pity party and get busy praying.
I do believe prayers changes everything. It may not fix my neck, heal Sawyer or help this little boy's eye heal but that doesn't take the Lord off of his throne. It was all allowed for whatever reason. I need to learn to stop whining, stop feeling sorry for myself and just carry on.
I'm ashamed of my thought pattern, my whining and complaining. But, I'm human and I want Tristan to see the millions of ways I'm imperfect (not that he doesn't see that daily) but I wanted it in writing.
Whatever is up next, may I deal with it better than the last 3 weeks!! God willing, I can!
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