And then it hit me. These moments would be few and far between. He would see Cohen once or twice a year like normal (the new normal) and Wyatt most likely the same. That's how much I see Natalie and Lindsay. Tears welled up in my eyes. "Don't cry Julie, don't cry." I choked back the tears.
The boys were done playing and it was time for cake. A few of the boys yelling, "Tristan come sit by me!" - his new buddies from TCA that he played basketball with. Then I looked over and saw Cohen with his arm around Grayson. That's happened a million times but in that moment, all I could see was Tristan. Left out. Me, left out. These were no longer going to be "our friends" they will soon become people we used to see, used to go to school with, used to play sports with. They are our once in a while friends.
Why didn't they pick me Mommy? That is the question I dread. I don't know how to explain that he didn't do well enough. Didn't score high enough and now he will go back to the school that he knows and loves without his other best friend. Kids with dyslexia don't test well- but they are SO smart... that matters.
Then, there is me... how do I explain to myself why I don't have close friends anymore. I don't have a lifegroup, I won't have my partner in crime. I too feel alone and I don't know how to start over.
I have cried myself to sleep every night for 13 days and I'm sick of it. It's time to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. Tristan will finish out his Takke Fllight program at Grace Academy next year and then what? I know, I know... stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on today. But there is a house to sell, a house to buy. New sports teams, new dyslexia teachers, new friends, new churches, possibly new everything and change is HARD for introverts.
I'm tired of sitting alone in church every weekend. I'm tired of Tristan begging for friends. I'm tired God, just tired. So, if you could just pick Tristan, pick me. Make it very clear where we are to be and what we are to do. It's us against the world today and we are just standing here, too scared to move asking for direction.
I've never been picked last for a team - well not that I can remember. This is painful and now trying to navigate telling Tristan, it feels unbearable. Give me the words Lord, because I have none.
I know I'm being dramatic, but for today it feels big and huge. I'll find new friends, you will find new friends and we will be ok. We will always be a team, I will always be your cheerleader and I will fight for you to have the best life possible... not the easiest... but the best life possible until my dying day.
We will stay close to the Lord, close to each other and we will never, ever give up. Mommy loves you Tristan!!
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