Try and live a life with no regrets... easier said than done!

I try. I really do.  I try not have any regrets in life.  But, it's hard.

I left home at 18 and have missed so much with my family.  I have twinges of regret, but I also saw much of the United States that I would never have seen.  I would never have met Holt and therefore, I would never have Tristan.

I regretted staying at my job for so long, but then, I look at where I am today and I'm thankful I stayed, put in the time and now I LOVE my company.

But there are others, BIG ONES that I truly struggle with daily.  A failed marriage. Loss of friendships and other relationships. And one of the most painful is that I didn't get to stay home with Tristan and I have missed so much.  I've missed many school events, Chapel (almost) every week, doctor appointments and play dates.  I hate ever single memory that I've missed.  But, in retrospect, I am thankful that I was there for Tristan's first words and his first steps.  I've made every game and every birthday party and I realize, not everyone can say that.

But, it's hard.  I want so much more from this life but I have to remind myself daily that THIS is the life that I CHOSE for myself.  Every day I can choose to be happy or sad, content or jealous, joyful or resentful.  I get to choose.  Life is unkind, but it's also beautiful.

I am constantly wondering worrying whether or not I have Tristan in the right school and on the right sports teams.  I'm worried that I'm scarring him, or shaping a poor belief system or damaging his little spirit with my tone or harsh response.  Am I spoiling him too much?  Is he grateful and kind? Do I feed him the right things, have him at the right church, around the right friends?  We are so hard on ourselves as parents.  All I can do is this...

But it's hard. Someday I know he will look back and know that even though I made mistakes, I always did what I thought was best. I scrimped and saved and gave him the best of everything I could for school. For sports. For everything. I made hard decisions, made him have tutors and extra help - not to load more work on to his already full day - but to someday make his future self have a much easier time.  These hard times make him stronger.

We had a tough night last night.  Tristan shared his feelings about some things and I promised not to tell so I certainly can't put it here for anyone to read someday.  But I'll say, he had very strong feelings, we both cried but in the end, he told me he KNEW that I loved him and that no matter what we would figure this out TOGETHER.  I know I cannot forever be at his side, nor will he want me there but I know that when you KNOW you are supported, it gives you an inner strength you didn't know you had.

So, as they say... when it rains, it pours.  True statement... but sometimes, you can find joy in the rain, because sometimes it becomes snow and while it's cold... it's beautiful. Just like this...

(Tristan's snowman - Dec '16)

This world can be cold, can be hard, can feel impossible.  But, there is no point in living it full of regrets, we do what we can... and when we fall down, we dust ourselves off and try again. One of T's signs in his room says "You only make the shots you take" and oh how true that is.

I pray I show Tristan how to live a life of chances, doing your best, and living a life of generosity.  To regret one thing is to regret everything... slowly, I'm getting there.

Less regrets + more gratitude = true peace!

In 8 days he'll be 8.  Best choice I ever made!!!