For today, it's all too hard

Oh Tristan, your mom is just a big, old, sad sour puss some days.  Today being one of them.  It's finally sinking in... our lives are going to change and in a big way.  Daddy doesn't want to be in the concrete jungle of Dallas anymore and I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of battling to keep you in private school - we can't afford it.  I'm tired of searching for friends, and neighbors, and people - I feel like I'm this desperate school girl trying to sit at the cool kid's table.  I'm just tired.  But I want you to know, I've tried.

I worked at a job that while it paid me well, I tolerated things I should never have tolerated because I wanted you to have more.  I wanted you to be in a school that taught you about Jesus because we aren't doing the best job of teaching you that at home. I wanted you in the BEST program for dyslexia and once you are done with that I'm sure we will leave.  I always hoped it would be a fresh start on the east coast but if I'm honest, we can't afford to move. Unless God moves in a major way, we are stuck.  Or maybe, this is my lot in life and He's calling me to just accept that this is my home.

So, that leaves the suburbs of Dallas.  New school, new friends,  new church, new everything.   I usually embrace change but I've never liked Dallas but I've come to accept my life here.  I accepted my job and excelled. I found great friends and so did you.  I found a church that I love, that you love - but Daddy doesn't like it at all and we have to find a life we all can enjoy.

We can't keep up with the "crowd we run with" - we don't have their money and I wish I was smarter and had a better job so we could stay, so you could go to private school. I like you in a school of small numbers because you get so much extra help, you sing worship songs in the shower and tell me stories about Jesus.  And I know, that should fall on me and Daddy - it's just nice that your day is filled with that.  I wish you could keep your same friends - I wish that for me too.  I wish I could stay at my job, people that I've known for 10 years, that have become family to me.  We both have to give up a church we love and start again.

And I know that in time - it will be fine.  You will find friends and so will I.  We will live somewhere we can afford and life will be more manageable but for today - it feels too hard. Too much, Too overwhelming and I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.  I sit here bawling at my keyboard wanting so more more.  So sad for the choices I've made and so fearful that I'm somehow messing up YOUR future.  I know God is bigger... but for today, I'm scared He's not.

Daily I make decisions like this....

and I pray I never take the wrong road.  Yet, I do.  And for that, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I couldn't do more.  Give you more. Expose you to more and shelter you from more.  I can tell you, I will understand every hard moment, every awkward introduction because I will feel it too.  You though, will bounce back much better than I will.  I'm afraid that my heart will become bitter about not having a choice, bitter that the truly important things weren't considered, bitter for broken promises and unfulfilled dreams.  I'm just praying that I stay walking with the Lord so I know this was HIS choice, not mine, not Daddy's and somehow, some way I can find peace in all of this. Because for today, it's too hard.

As Deb always says... "eyes up" 

Seeking Your will Lord.  Please heal my broken heart. 

Amen