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TristanBarberIsEight.blogspot.com

Where has 7 years gone?

My goodness, I know ALL parents say this but seriously.... time flies.

Where oh where have the last 7 years gone?  I have done my absolute best to love every single second.  I have embraced each milestone and done my best to be fully present.  Some days, I  have to remind myself to put my phone down, listen to you and really hear.  Some days it's just listening to you tell me about your day, laugh at something out the window or just sit there and stare out the window.  Sometimes you share hopes and dreams - even concerns and fears.  You trust me and for that I am SO very thankful

So much has happened, you've grown so much this year.  Every year I worry and wonder if I'll like the next phase. See, I'm a "little kid" person.  When kids are like 6 or 7... they are harder to relate to.  Well, I think they are.  They don't think their parents are cool anymore, they don't laugh at the same jokes or think the goofy things you do are funny.  I'm pretty lucky, you still like me. I know, I know... I'm not your friend, I'm your parent.  Don't care what anyone says, I still WANT you to like me almost as much as I want you to love me.

I don't know what will happen in year 8, but I know I will love you even more than I do today - and trust me when I say (and mean) that I didn't think it was possible.  I have loved watching you grow and change and make decisions.  I'm doing my best to explain the world as I know it - all the while letting you choose what path you will take. See, I can try and force you to do things but I know, the older you get - the more you need to choose on your own.  You need to learn to decide for yourself and I always hope you will decide well.  You have a strong moral compass and for that, I am grateful.

I couldn't be more thankful or more proud to be your mama.

Thank you for celebrating life.  For making every day more fun. For making me laugh, and sing, and sometimes for making me cry. Who knew I could FEEL that much.  You make my heart leap for joy and you make me a better human.  I can't imagine one day on this earth without you and yet... there were 38 years that I thought I was living life to the fullest. Nope, not even close.  You are my all!

I'm always at a loss for words how to "end" a book about a year in the life of Tristan so, I guess I'll just leave you with this...  Whatever you do T... don't ever stop dreaming, fight for what you want - never give up... shoot for the stars!!

You aren't perfect, I know that... but you sure do make me one proud Mom Tristan Holt Barber.  Please forgive me for the mistakes I made and am yet to make, because I'm doing my best to be a great mom and your biggest cheerleader.  I love you buddy.  

Happy 7 years and 364 days old.  Tomorrow is the big 8 - show 'em how it's done!!!

Love, Mama

School is SNOW fun!

Thank you Mrs. Pettus for just being plain awesome and taking these kids out for fun on possibly the only day of the year we get snow!!!

Yes, Tristan is in shorts.  Lord have mercy - he hates pants.

Try and live a life with no regrets... easier said than done!

I try. I really do.  I try not have any regrets in life.  But, it's hard.

I left home at 18 and have missed so much with my family.  I have twinges of regret, but I also saw much of the United States that I would never have seen.  I would never have met Holt and therefore, I would never have Tristan.

I regretted staying at my job for so long, but then, I look at where I am today and I'm thankful I stayed, put in the time and now I LOVE my company.

But there are others, BIG ONES that I truly struggle with daily.  A failed marriage. Loss of friendships and other relationships. And one of the most painful is that I didn't get to stay home with Tristan and I have missed so much.  I've missed many school events, Chapel (almost) every week, doctor appointments and play dates.  I hate ever single memory that I've missed.  But, in retrospect, I am thankful that I was there for Tristan's first words and his first steps.  I've made every game and every birthday party and I realize, not everyone can say that.

But, it's hard.  I want so much more from this life but I have to remind myself daily that THIS is the life that I CHOSE for myself.  Every day I can choose to be happy or sad, content or jealous, joyful or resentful.  I get to choose.  Life is unkind, but it's also beautiful.

I am constantly wondering worrying whether or not I have Tristan in the right school and on the right sports teams.  I'm worried that I'm scarring him, or shaping a poor belief system or damaging his little spirit with my tone or harsh response.  Am I spoiling him too much?  Is he grateful and kind? Do I feed him the right things, have him at the right church, around the right friends?  We are so hard on ourselves as parents.  All I can do is this...

But it's hard. Someday I know he will look back and know that even though I made mistakes, I always did what I thought was best. I scrimped and saved and gave him the best of everything I could for school. For sports. For everything. I made hard decisions, made him have tutors and extra help - not to load more work on to his already full day - but to someday make his future self have a much easier time.  These hard times make him stronger.

We had a tough night last night.  Tristan shared his feelings about some things and I promised not to tell so I certainly can't put it here for anyone to read someday.  But I'll say, he had very strong feelings, we both cried but in the end, he told me he KNEW that I loved him and that no matter what we would figure this out TOGETHER.  I know I cannot forever be at his side, nor will he want me there but I know that when you KNOW you are supported, it gives you an inner strength you didn't know you had.

So, as they say... when it rains, it pours.  True statement... but sometimes, you can find joy in the rain, because sometimes it becomes snow and while it's cold... it's beautiful. Just like this...

(Tristan's snowman - Dec '16)

This world can be cold, can be hard, can feel impossible.  But, there is no point in living it full of regrets, we do what we can... and when we fall down, we dust ourselves off and try again. One of T's signs in his room says "You only make the shots you take" and oh how true that is.

I pray I show Tristan how to live a life of chances, doing your best, and living a life of generosity.  To regret one thing is to regret everything... slowly, I'm getting there.

Less regrets + more gratitude = true peace!

In 8 days he'll be 8.  Best choice I ever made!!!